The Daffynitions

Daffynitions are Joe Heuer's literary version of Short Attention Span Theater. He began writing them as a type of therapy shortly after his wife Lisa gave birth to twin daughters. Operating on minimal sleep, Joe began to amuse himself by writing these one-liners that provide more accurate and entertaining descriptions than Noah Webster ever imagined. You won't find any of these Daffynitions in any other dictionary!

Here are some of Joe's favorites from the 3000+ that he has written.

Diet: a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.

Liberal: a church with four commandments and six suggestions.

Exercise: a dirty word that compels you to wash your mouth out with chocolate.

Thanksgiving: a holiday that always falls on Thursday because the Pilgrims came here in search of a four-day weekend.

Disrespect: giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they're number one.

Naked: how you should show up for work in order to divert attention from the fact that you're drunk.

Regret: making the final payment on the engagement ring three months after the divorce becomes final.

Ten: the number of disciples Jesus would have had if God really wanted us to use the metric system.

Macho: a guy who jogs home from a vascetomy.

Old: when you don't recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

Date: an organized meeting between two people who have yet to realize their dislike for each other.

Workaholic: someone who gets drunk every time you mention work.

Pediatrician: a doctor who plays only miniature golf.

Motivational Speakers: the professional wrestlers of the corporate world.

Slacker: someone who couldn't do less work if he was in a coma.

Vacation: a time just long enough to be missed, but not long enough for them to realize how well they can get along without you.

Marriage: the process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer.

Cashews: the nuts you should hold out for if you're currently working for peanuts.

Kids: people to be nice to since they're the ones who will choose your nursing home.

Company policy: the corporate equivalent of your parents saying 'Because I said so'.

Sabbatical: a Latin word meaning "I quit, but you won't know if for certain for a year."

Hypocrites: people who complain about all the sex and violence on their vcrs.

Sidesaddle: how men, rather than women, would ride in a truly logical world.

Copyright 1996-2004 by Joe Heuer